Relationships and conflict: 'My anger is ruining my relationships

I don't really understand what happens to us - we can be having a good time and then something annoying happens, like a note from my boss that I have to travel more next month, and suddenly we're not discussing how to arrange help for the kids so that it's not too hard for Peter when I'm away, but are yelling at each other."

Ann looks at Peetri, who adds, "I also think we might be shouting at each other like crazy."

Ann asks Peter, "Are you upset that I travel so much for work? Is it a problem that you think I'm a bad mother?"

Peter replies, "No. It doesn't bother me that I am alone with the children and you are always travelling."

Ann says: "I don't understand what the problem is then. I feel so guilty. Like I'm doing something wrong. Like my anger is ruining our relationship."

Where does anger come from?

Many couples, like Peter and Ann, find that their small problems explode into big arguments. Indeed, it may have its origins in deeper disagreements about work or parenting, but sometimes it is something as banal as communication that leads to arguments.

Strengthening the relationship

One of the most important tools in couples therapy is understanding the four warning signs of communication and what you can do to avoid them. Fordele og ulemper ved vrede. Research into why people divorce shows that communication breakdowns and the resulting loss of respect for each other are the main causes of divorce. So there is a strong case for learning to communicate in a way that strengthens the relationship.

I ask Ann what made her angry the day they received a text message from their boss.

She explains, "Sometimes I feel like Peter just backs off when we have to discuss practical things to do with my work. He just says 'yes-yeah-yeah' and 'I'll take care of it' and 'it's nothing' to everything I say, and it makes me feel like there's something wrong between us. That he's actually angry with me because of my work." she says, "Peter is angry with me because of my work."

I look at Peter and ask him to think about it.

"I'm not really angry with you about your work, but yes, I withdraw, mainly because I get the impression that you want to decide what happens when you're not at home, and that irritates me."

A moment of silence falls in the room and Ann says: "I understand that, actually."

Renewed focus

As part of my work to prevent major arguments, I talk to them about four warning signs that research suggests can ruin an entire communication.

Peter realises something: "I now understand that Ann gets angry when I pull away and ignore her in a conversation. I now know that's the warning signal that makes her explode, so instead I practice being blunt and saying that I love her, but that she should let me run the family business when she's not at home." He says he's a good husband

Ann laughs and says: "It's much easier for me to deal with it when he is straightforward and stands firm, than when he pushes me away and retreats. That provokes me."

When we meet again, they tell me that heeding the warning signs has made a big difference in their lives.

Ann says: "I have realised that it is hard for me when I have to leave. And we have become better at talking to each other. We are actually good at it - as long as we observe the warning signals.